Although my life has its challenges (whose doesn't) and the old "black dog" keeps nipping at my heels (and indeed sometimes seems to sneak in and pinch my lunch), I am fortunate to have a wonderful wife, a stunning son, a supportive and fabulous (blood, step, in-law and extended) family and some of the finest friends a man could hope for.
The snag is that I have an arch enemy - The Master to my Doctor (Mad Tom stylee, of course) if you like. He knows and exploits my weaknesses, preying ruthlessly on every foible and failing, never failing to put the boot in when I am down... There is no remorse, because he believes implacably that I am deserving of his venom. And of course, as you will have already guessed he gets his digs in before anyone else because he is the hairy shambling mess that stares at me from the mirror each morning. Perhaps being the Edward Hyde to my Henry Jekyll is the more appropriate comparison.
My mind can run off at the most unlikely tangents from seemingly innocuous starting points - imagining how people have taken something I have said differently to how I had intended and set off some sort of chain reaction with terrible consequences. Part of me knows that I am being ridiculous, and this almost makes it worse - like being powerless in the passenger seat of a vehicle being driven by a maniac.
But then perhaps driven is a good word to use, because I am, in some ways, much more driven than my usually relaxed exterior might suggest. I want to do everything the best that I can - and I want to do it better the next time. Unfortunately my expectations are all too often (perhaps) somewhat unrealistic - my reach exceeds my grasp, but I cannot cut myself any slack to accept this failure. I do expect too much of myself, but I also can't bring myself to live any other way.
This drive is also one of the things (as well as a fine support network and Mirtazapine) that allows me to function in any way normally - get out of bed, be a husband, parent, employee etc. A lot of the time I can reach a grudging understanding with the mirror me - perhaps this is the best that I can hope for. The title, by the way, refers to a Twelfth Night song - which seemed appropriate to these thoughts.
I would like to finish with a reference to another song - "Between Today and Yesterday" by Amplfier. They just put the lyrics up on their site, and reading them reinforced why this is another song that has made a particularly strong connection to my maverick brain, like the ones that I referred to in a previous ramble.
Enjoy!
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